I’ve been a volunteer firefighter on and off for the better part of a decade. It’s rewarding and sometimes thrilling work where you can make a real difference and become an integral part of your local community. You get to wear a yellow hat and ride a big red truck. Here’s five reasons why it’s the worst and you shouldn’t do it.
1. Awful hours
Fires never have the decency to start at a civil time. A disproportionate amount start right when you’re sitting down for dinner, or right as your head hits the pillow. You can be out all night for a big one – I’ve had to sleep on the back of the truck before today, which would have been uncomfortable even without one of my crewmates stealing all the blankets. Get ready to overhydrate and then piss where nature intended, and munch on some ration packs that are probably Cold War surplus.
2. The bar is really low
Like, so low. Physical fitness requirements? Non existent. I’ve known fireys who could barely climb on to the truck or jog without getting out of puff. I myself am asthmatic and all I had to do was sign a waiver. Ego? Tonnes of fucking ego. You’ve not seen small dog syndrome until you’ve seen a bunch of alleged adults vying for power within a brigade committee. An ambitious little clique in a former brigade I was a member of (which shall remain nameless) took to backstabbing and driving out the old guard with such enthusiasm that the Roman senate was like “Gee wizz, chill out dudes.” At the end of the day it doesn’t matter that volunteers aren’t the cream of the crop, every pair of boots on the ground is another hand that can hold a hose. But if that behaviour is driving away new members it becomes a problem.
3. Trauma
Turns out fires are actually terrifying. The radiant heat hits you like a physical thing, the smoke chokes you through your mask, and the front can change directions out of nowhere. You’ll do traffic control, rescue, and clean up after car accidents, and you’re not going to save everybody. No matter how hard you try. I’ve attended fatal car accidents and I’ve seen my fair share of burned out cars and homes from bushfires. It’s not pleasant.
4. Clear and present danger
It’s amazing how many ways you can be maimed or killed on the fire ground. Forget the fire for a second, because that’s obvious. Instead here’s some other fun ways fireys get done in if they’re not (and sometimes even if they are) careful. Widowmakers will drop on your head (that’s a hanging branch). Burned out trees will fall on you. Trucks can roll over and squash you like a pancake. You’re doing traffic control and some lunatic tries to run you over in their commodore. Smoke gets into your lungs. You collapse from heatstroke. You miscommunicate your position to fire control and a water bomber drops an entire swimming pool on your head.
5. That ain’t a BBQ
We were out at a grassfire that had started in some farmer’s paddock. It was only small and we got on top of it easy enough, and it was pretty relaxed as far as turnouts go. But I remember getting the mouth-watering smell of barbeque, and remarked to a crew member that I was feeling a bit peckish. Laughing, he pointed to a lumpy brown something laying on a patch of burned ground nearby. Clearly, dear old Flossy hadn’t been as lucky as the rest of the flock. I wish I could say that the experience ruined lamb chops for me going forward, but I’d be lying.
So if all that sounds horribly repellent, you should probably direct your spare time to a different but equally valid volunteering entity. On the other hand if you’ve read to the end and you still hear the siren song of the big red truck, why don’t you wander down to your nearest station and sign up.
Adventures of a Nerdy Dad 